High Expectations and Caring Relationships: "You don't get what you want, you get what you expect"

“You don’t get what you want, you get what you expect.”

These words have stuck with me for the 20 years since I took a course on achieving success.  They changed my life.  These words transformed how I viewed myself and my goals.

Most people go through life wanting things.  While there are circumstances beyond our control that can cause hardship and suffering, our lives are more under our control than we may think.  Our conscious actions are determined by our subconscious beliefs about how things are supposed to be. 

For example:  If I believe that I own a 2012 Yukon XL and I walk into the parking lot to get in my car to get home only to find that my car is gone, I will get upset.  I believe that I left my car right there.  My car is gone!  The fact that I believe my car should be there, but the reality that it is gone, has created “cognitive dissonance”.  My perceived reality doesn’t align with my beliefs.  I have two choices:  either change my belief or take action to make my perceived reality align with my beliefs.  I cannot live in a state of cognitive dissonance.

In this case, I would choose to continue to believe my car is missing.  I would phone the police.  I would search the area.  I would call my wife.  I would keep working at it until I found out where my car was! I would not give up trying to bring alignment between my perceived reality and my beliefs.  Eventually, I would find my car.  It was stolen, it was parked somewhere else, or my wife came and took it without telling me.  Some reason exists that makes my perception and my beliefs align.

Stick with me through another example.  I believe my students are responsible and get their homework done.  My perceived reality agrees with my belief that every day my students hand in their homework on time.  One day, however, a student fails to hand in their homework.  I am in a state of “cognitive dissonance.”  My perceived reality does not match my beliefs.  Does this change my beliefs?  No, it makes me take action.  I will search their backpack, phone their parents, give them another opportunity, give them extra reminders etc…  I will do the things it takes to align my perceived reality with my beliefs.

Here is an opposite example.  I believe my students are lazy.  One day, unexpectedly, a student actually hands in their homework.  I am in a state of “cognitive dissonance.”  Does this change my beliefs about my students?  No!  I take action to make sure my perceived reality aligns with my belief.  I call it a fluke, I brush it off, I ignore the inconsistency etc…  I do nothing to reinforce that student’s behaviour because I don’t believe it to be a reflection of what I really expect them to do.  Eventually, having heard my excuses and interpreted my behaviour, my students will not do their homework.  Equilibrium achieved.

So, back to the original quote I started with “You don’t get what you want, you get what you expect.”  If we believe that our students are responsible, respectful, and successful, we will do the things it takes to make sure that happens.  If we believe that our students are lazy, irresponsible, and careless, we will do things it takes to make sure that happens too.